| Its been forever.... |
[Dec. 6th, 2005|07:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
It has been about half way to forever since I have written in here. I am really not sure why I have waited so long, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I am always afraid of what will come out. I generally write in here when I am completely alone and I just let the words spill out of me with out any actual thought. Its rather poetic if you think about it. But really, isnt life itself poetic?
I have been thinking a lot these days. That isnt unusual for me, but I guess it just seems like it is a different kind of thinking I guess.... if that makes sense.
Whats new with me.... Well I guess the one major thing is that I graduate in 9 days 15 hours 6 minutes and 42 seconds... I guess you could say I am a little excited, but also nervous. I guess I am not exactly comfortable with not knowing what is going to happen next... but at the same time it is a little exciting and probably good for me to not be so much in control of everything. I guess I like control. That is one thing I have learned about myself recently. I have also learned that I have the capability to be jealous. Now I know that everyone can get jealous... but I guess I just never thought myself to be capable of the kind of jealousy I have been feeling lately. I just wish I could really pinpoint where this jealousy is coming from. I know it has to do with Mike... but im not exactly sure how. I have spent so long convincing myself that I dont have certain feelings for him that now I dont really know how I feel anymore. But I do know that this "girlfriend" or whatever of his can kiss my ass. I dont like the girl.... to be honest, I dont know her, but she just irks me... I dont like how she looks at him, I dont like how she talks to him, I dont like how she treats him, and most of all I dont like her with him. AHHH!!!! Why do I get this way? I just wish that for once I could find someone who just knows how they feel about me and doesnt need to spend forever "figuring it out" what the hell does that mean anyway... I guess I shouldnt get started because that is a completely different topic and I really dont need to go off on a tangent right now.
I really thought I was getting somewhere with all of this. For the first time in my life I felt something amazing. For the first time in my life I felt beautiful. I felt beautiful and it is all because of Mike. I dont know what it is... he doesnt do anything.... he doesnt say anything.... he just makes me feel that way and for me that is AMAZING. Anyone who reads this and really knows me will understand how big of a deal this is. I think what bothers me about the whole situation is the back and fourth that this boy puts me through. I am ok with being just his friend. I care about him so so much thatI would take anything as long as he is a part of my life. It is ridiculous how close I feel to him in such a short time. I never thought I would ever trust someone so much so fast after everything I have been through. I am completely and 100% happy being Mikes friend... I dont even think I would have any other ideas in my head if he didnt put them there. I dont know I guess I quit.
A little while ago I was upset because I was bored with life. It was dull and I wasnt really doing anything ever... be careful what you wish for... some of the twists and turns that have been thrown at me are baffling. I dont know. I guess I am done for now. :-/ |
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| amusing... |
[May. 11th, 2005|04:08 pm] |
* the X's are what i've done, now copy and paste it and put an x in every ( ) that you've done!
( ) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
( ) been in love
(x) shoplifted
( ) been fired
( ) been in a fight
( ) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) been arrested
(x) made out with a stranger
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
( ) had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) seen someone die
( ) had a crush on one of your myspace/facebook/etc friends
( ) been to Canada
(x) been to Mexico ... sorta....
(x) been on a plane
( ) thrown up in a bar in mexico
(x) purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) eaten Sushi
( ) been snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from myspace/facebook/etc
(x) been moshing at a concert
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
( ) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
( ) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
( ) watched the sun set
( ) felt an earthquake...yeah when a train goes by in sheehan
( ) touched a snake
(x) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
( ) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
( ) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest - coloring contest
(x) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
(x) been in a car accident - very very minor
(x) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
( ) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu - all the time
( ) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
( ) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
( ) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
( ) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers - Oh the life of an ed major ;)
( ) sung karaoke
( ) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
( ) made prank phone calls
( ) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) been kissed under a mistletoe
( ) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
( ) crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating
( ) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
( ) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed penis in class
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
( ) have a little black dress
(x) had a dream that you married someone
( ) glued your hand to something
( ) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
( ) kissed a fish
( ) worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
( ) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn’t take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone - or at all :(
(x) believe in ghosts
(x) have more then 30 pairs of shoes - guilty, but most are flip flops
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch
( ) played chicken
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
( ) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
( ) made porn
( ) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
( ) mooned/flashed someone
( ) had someone moon/flash you
( ) made out with a member of the same sex
( ) cheated on a test
(x) have a Brittany Spears CD
(x) forgotten someone’s name
( ) slept naked
(x) French braided someone’s hair
( ) gone skinny dipping in a pool
( ) been kicked out your house |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 6th, 2005|11:11 pm] |
Its getting pretty lonely around here..... You should comment telling me about a great memory from this year.
Carrie |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2005|04:40 pm] |
A few things I will remember about my last year in Winona:
Boondoggle
Perkins
Garvin at night
Looking for the Fountain in Fountain City
Excursions down town at night ;)
Mother Teresa....
Comedy Sportz
Shopping in Lacrosse
Olive Garden
Jeffersons
Roommate.... pretty sure I have about 30 by now
Movie night
Cooking Lasagna for the girls :)
Cooking spaghetti for my other girls :)
Cooking Sloppy Joes for my new friends
Long random drives around winona
Sex and the City marathons
Cheesy Teenage Girl Movies with my roommate
Involuntarily swimming in the lourdes pool
Mommy O's ring in the pool
East Lake fest
MACURH
The many many staff or NRHH bowling trips
Good Bye to Nicci
The red yarn
Teaching tim to drive Lucy
Susan pealing out of the East Lake parking lot
Hy Vee trips for sorbet
Searching Winona for the best gummy bears ever
Hearing everyone's equally amazing engagement stories
Condoms in the elevator
Rounds with anyone that will go with me
MACURH meetings in my apartment
Real men can sew!
Spring break weekend in Chicago
Rapping in front of Krysko
Steak night
Chats while driving the van
Up Til' Dawn all night party
UTD exec meetings
Hanging at the boys house
Night out for Aaron's birthday
My new discovery of facebook
Endless games of the I win game
Birthday at Chula
Eagle Bluff for the last time
Lunches after art
Bowling class
Wing nights
Roses from Susan
NRHH induction dinner in the fall
Passing out in Nick's lap after giving blood
Not passing out the next time I gave blood
Listening to Nick teach my roommate how to brown hamburger over the phone
PJ.. enough said
Interesting instant messenger conversations
Crying with Gretchen and Mommy O while watching the notebook
Attacking gretchen in the student union with lindsey
Oh my, I am sure there are about a million more. I will probably add more when I have more time. For now I must finish my art paper before I go to work.
Carrie |
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| It is starting to hit me... |
[May. 1st, 2005|04:00 pm] |
I am sitting here alone in my room once again. I am working on one of my last assignments for one of my last classes of my college career. And it is starting to hit me really hard. For the longest time I have been trying to deny it. When ever the topic comes up I just change the subject, but I think it is time to just face it and deal. I just wish it were that easy. This may be one of those times where I write to empty my mind....
The only way I can describe this past year is a roller coaster. My relationships with people here, my family, and people at home have been going up and down so much that it is out of control. When I walk out of here for the last time many of those relationships will end on a high note, but unfortunately, some will end at the bottom of the hill. I wish I didn’t have to say that, but it’s the truth. I still cannot quite contemplate all of the different things that have occurred my last year here and I wish I could say I understood everything that has happened. I have been trying really hard lately to stop being so selfish and try to concentrate more of my energies on those people I love. I don’t know if I have been so successful with this. For so long I have been working so hard just to make sure I am able to survive. I have been trying so hard just to take care of my self that I because selfish and bitchy. I am really not sure if anyone actually reads this anymore, and I guess that part really doesn’t matter, but incase people do I want to take this opportunity to apologize. I want to apologize for anything that I have said or done that may have hurt anyone. I never intended to hurt anyone with anything that I may have said, and if I have I am sorry. I am not proud of some of the things I have said, or at least how they came of to the people that have heard them, but I have come to the point that I need to stand behind what I feel. I have been working really hard to express myself in a more honest way. I have been trying to do good for myself by not keeping things hidden deep down until it gets to the point where I am just difficult to be around and blowing up at people. I guess I have realized that there is no perfect way. For some reason I have this idea that if I act a certain way or become a certain person that I will somehow live in a perfect world. I guess I am starting to realize that is never going to happen. I just wish I knew what I am supposed to do or what I am supposed to think. At this point I just feel like an outsider no matter who I am with. For a really long time I had a relationship with a person that I guess many people were jealous of, but I guess I made a mistake. I put too much energy into one person and while I was doing that all of my other friends moved on in a way. Now that my relationship seems to have disappeared I feel like I have been desperately searching for a way to replace what I have lost and I just can’t seem to figure out how. Don’t get me wrong, I have A LOT of amazing friends and I love them all dearly, but I just feel like I came along just a little bit too late. I don’t know the inside jokes, I am the odd man out, and I just don’t quite fit into the place that was made for me. I guess this would be the perfect time for me to be moving on like I am, but for some reason I just don’t feel quite ready. I feel like I am still missing something and that my time here still isn’t quite finished. But what do I do? I have watched so many people grow and change this year and they are all better people because of it. I am so proud of them all for everything they have accomplished and for who they have become. I just wish I could say the same things about myself. I feel like I have taken two steps backwards while everyone else has taken three forward. Wow... I think I need a Pepsi.... Damn sold out... I guess Dr. Pepper will have to do.
Ok so back to it I guess.... I have been trying really hard to break down the bubble that I have been living in. My bubble helps me keep people away so they don’t get to close and can’t hurt me. I realized that this is not the best thing for me, but it is the only thing I have known for a long time. It seems as if a few people have scratched their way through my bubble, and I love them for it, but now I know that I will have to leave and I won’t be coming back. You would think that after doing this three times already that I would be used to it, but this time is different. When I drive out of Winona a few days from now I will be leaving for good. I know I will be back a few times next semester and of course I have to come back for graduation, but it just doesn’t seem like enough to look forward to. I know that when I leave that will be the end. When everyone comes back next year I will be the furthest thought in their mind and I know that it is probably best that way, but I still would like to think that in some small way I made my mark here, I just don’t know how that is. I know that I haven’t done anything special, so why do I even think these things. It just seems as if people are gradually starting to forget me already. I always wanted to be remembered for something... I don’t know what, but for something. I have begun to realize that I truly am just ordinary and I will just have to deal with that. I will take the memories I have made this year with me, and just hope that I will not be forgotten entirely. I guess this is the best that I can ask for.
It seems that no matter what I do and no matter what happens everything seems to come back to what has been going on with my father, or what hasn’t been as the case may be currently. When I went to Angie’s father’s funeral on Friday I realized a lot of things. I sat there listening to the eulogy. He was talking about how much Angie was loved by her father and all of the things they used to do together. I just couldn’t help myself… it brought tears to my eyes. I started to think about my dad and all of the things we used to do together and the relationship we used to have. Sometimes I wish I never did what and that it wasn’t entirely my fault. I wonder what things would be like right now if it all had never happened. I wonder what my life would be like. I know that I shouldn’t be living by would’ve and should’ve, but I just can’t seem to help it sometimes. I looked at Angie and I saw how hard it was for her to deal with all of this. I can completely understand how tough it is on her, but then it got me thinking. Our two situations are completely different, and I don’t mean to compare them, but at the same time I wonder if she is hurting in the same way I do. Both of us have lost out fathers, but her dad didn’t leave on his own. God chose him and said it was time for him to go. On the other hand, my dad just decided to leave. He chose drugs and alcohol over me and yet again is too damn stubborn to apologize or ever admit that he made a mistake. He left on his own. It was his choice and he made it. I just wish there were something I could do. I know that I am doing what is best for me right now, but I just don’t understand how what is best can still hurt so badly. I just with I didn’t feel so rejected sometimes. I guess the way I see it is that if even my father rejects me I should expect everyone else should to. I feel like I have come to deal with the rejection well by now. But the sad part about it is that I just come to expect it. I don’t fight for the things that I want because I have already decided that I am not going to get it so what is the point in even trying. I just don’t even know for sure. I know that I still try with some things, but I have given up completely on others. They say you find what you are looking for when you least expect it so maybe this is the best way to think about it all anyway. Who knows? I wish someone would just come along and tell me what I am supposed to be doing. What I am supposed to think of everything and what I should expect out of my life. I really feel like I have too high expectations for half of the things in my life and too low for others. This has also become very apparent to me, but I am not so sure what to do about any of this. I just really don’t know where to go. I really feel like right now the best thing for me to do is to just go somewhere completely foreign to me. Somewhere where I don’t know anyone and where I can just start all over. I guess the hard part about that is I just don’t quite know where to start.
Some part of me wishes that I was born 50 years ago. That way everything would be planed out for me. I would be married by now to some farmer’s son that lives miles down the road. I would have probably popped out two or three kids by now. I know I wouldn’t have experienced all of the things that I want to experience in my life, but at least I would know my role. I would know that I was doing what I was mean to do. I guess I really hate the not knowing. I just want to know that my future will hold all of the things that I hope it does. I don’t want to know all of the aspects of it, but I kind of want to look thirty years ahead and just see where I am and what I am doing. I need to know that someday I will be happy and actually know that I am happy. Right now I don’t know if I am happy. I have days where I know that I am. There are also days where I know that I am not. Then there are days where I have no idea how I really feel about anything. I just want to be happy. Can someone please show me how I can do that? I have been trying for so long that I just don’t know what options are left. I thought I had it figured out at one point in time, but I wasn’t given the option to find out to see if I was right. Maybe once I get into my school and I start teaching I will finally know if I am on the right track. I just wish that there were some sort of guarantee. Everyone else seems to be moving on to the next chapters in their lives. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do the same? I wish I knew… I wish I knew.
I never knew that I could write so much about absolutely nothing, but I guess I can. I just wish I wasn’t so unsure of everything. I wish that I had some sort of a sign telling me that someday all of this will be worth it. I have concentrated so much of my energy on becoming a good person that I could be proud of, and I believe that in some ways I have achieved that, but then I see people that have not done all of the things that I have tried to do get everything that I want. Why is it that I have to try so hard for everything I get and other people just have things handed to them? I know that I should appreciate the things that I do have more than other people because I did work so hard for them, but for once in my life I just want something to be easy. I wasn’t to just sit back and let things happen. I wish that I didn’t feel the need to control everything sometimes. I want to have more of a laze faire attitude about things, but I just need to have control. I need to know that I have control of the things that I can so I don’t stress out so much about the things that I don’t. I really don’t think this is working so well for me. I really feel like I need stability and I just don’t know where I can find that. My mind is just spinning right now and I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t be productive right now. I can’t get anything done. I am just glad that I only have a few last things to complete because otherwise I just don’t know what I would do. It would be really easy if I could just sleep through the next week or so and it would all just be over. I just want some of this to be over. But I don’t want it to end. I wish I made sense to myself right now because I have no clue. I’m done.
Maybe it is time for it to end. I am just not so sure I can let go… |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2005|11:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
I am sitting here right now not quite sure if I actually have anything to say, but I figure if I start to write it will eventually flow. I know there are thoughts in my head. Deep important thoughts that are slowly eating away at me from the inside out. How do I know? I know they are there because for some reason all I want to do is cry right now and I am not exactly sure why. I am honestly really not stressed out right now. Sure, I, like everyone else, have a lot of work to get done, but it really isn't anything I haven't done before and I know I will make it through. I guess what I don't know is if I actually want to make it through. I know that in a short time from now the rest of my life will change. I am open to change, I am just not so sure I am prepared for the severity of this change. Nothing will be the same and nothing will ever be the same again. Am I really ready for that. I am just looking for the little shred of my life I actually have control of and I can't seem to find it. I am really getting frustrated with everything right now because nothing seems to turn out the way I want it to. I work really hard and for once I just want something to go my way. Don't I deserve that? I do! I deserve to be happy and I deserve to have everything I want. I know I do. But why can't I have it? Damn it! I have worked so hard for so long that for just once I want something to be easy. I want something to fall into my lap and go my way. I just want to... no, I need to know that I have been working so hard for so long for a reason. I seem to have lost overall goal in this all and i'm not so sure where I am supposed to be headed anymore. There are few things in my life that I am actually sure of any more. Even those things that a short time ago seemed so solid, the things that I would have bet my life on, have become as faded and blurry as every other aspect of my life. I have been trying to live day to day and just see what happens, but the truth is right now I am having trouble with that because I lack the motivation to want to see what the next day has in store for me. I have no drive at all. Its like I am sitting in neutral at the bottom of the hill and I just cant quite figure out how to may my way up. I know I can't go backwards, but I can't quite figure out how to go forward. So I am stuck just sitting all alone with nothing around me and no one to help me. I really wish that I could restore my faith in people, but the truth is that I lost my faith in people a long time ago and that really makes me sad. Why did I lose this faith? Because ALL of the people I once thought I could count on have let me down in some way or another. ALL of the people that I used to think would never forget about me and always be there for me. The people that I used to KNOW would be there for me and drop anything for me. Those people are all gone now. And if they left why should I believe that new people wont do the same thing. It is really difficult for me to truly trust anyone new when I still don't understand why everyone else left. Maybe I was meant to live my life completely alone. The truth is that I am so scared right now that I don't even know what to do. I don't even know for sure what I am scared of, but I know that I am scared. I am scared that I may be giving up on the only thing that may have ever been truly good for me. The only thing that could have potentially made me happy. Is it fair to put an expiration date on happiness? I mean I know that everything needs to happen in their own time, but what do you do when you know you are running out of time and still nothing has happened. I personally take it as a sign that nothing will ever come of it and that it is just time for me to forget about it, but then when I actually try I get angry at myself. Why can't for just once in my life something just be easy??? I am running out of time here and I am just not quite sure what to do. My relationships with so many people seem to be out of balance and I just don't think I have enough time to balance them all. What do I do? How do I choose which ones to fix and which ones to leave? I really think I need to go to bed because this really isn't doing anything for me right now. Hopefully I can figure some of this stuff out in my dreams. |
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| The burning question in my mind... |
[Apr. 18th, 2005|04:59 pm] |
Is there ever a time when it is ok to quit? Is it ok to give up? Even if it is some thing that at one time you knew you really wanted, but now you are not so sure? I am struggling with these questions... can anyone help me out here?
Carrie |
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| Its been a while... |
[Apr. 10th, 2005|09:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | guilty | ] |
It has been a rather long time since I have written a legitimate entry so lets see what I got.
I am sitting here trying to prepare myself for one of the most important tests of my school career.... well, two tests actually. On tuesday I have to take my exam for my Professional Educator class. I have to achieve 40 out of 50 on the exam to be eligible for graduation. Talk about pressure. Then on saturday I have to sit through 6 hours of testing for my Praxis II test. These three tests are all required for my teaching licensure. If I do not perform well on these tests I will not be able to be eligible for a teaching license.. more pressure! With all of this weight on my back right now you would think that I would be buckling down and trying to get shit done. Believe me, that is what I should be doing, but for some reason I just cannot make myself do it. I know the importance of these tests and I know what is at stake, but I still just cant do it... It makes me wonder why.
Why is it that when life seems like it is finally coming together, time begins to run out? I guess what I mean is, in some aspects of my life here at school I feel like things are finally starting to work out, but then for how long? In less than a month everything I have known for the past for years will be completely gone. I know that I am not graduating yet and I know that all of the people I have met here will be just a phone call away, but for some reason it just doesnt seem fair. This year especially I have met some truly amazing people and made some friends that I know will be there for a long time, but it just doesnt seem fair that I will be leaving and they will be here with the rest of their college careers ahead of them. I know I shouldnt, but in so many ways I am envious of them all. I know, I had my chance, and I am not going to say it wasnt amazing, I just dont feel like it is time for it to be over. Its like ending a story before it has really ended. Is there going to be a sequel to this chapter in my life? I know that it isnt over until it is over and graduation is a long time off yet (December 16th if I havent mentioned that recently) but it just feels like it is coming to an end in a different way than I am used to. Who knows.
I just think it is so weird that I am so excited to actually graduate but I just am not quite ready to leave. Is that insane of me? I feel like there are so many things that are unfinished right now (in my relationships with my friends here) and I dont know if I will have time to finish them all. I think I am putting myself in denial or something. I dont even know if any of this is making sense, I am just writing the words that pop in my head. I am sorry to who ever reads this if it makes no sense. This is very therapeutic to me right now.
Maybe it all comes back to my fear of being alone. It sounds to pathetic to say that and it angers me more than anything when I say it out loud but it is true. I am afraid to be alone. I dont know how I can be so independent but be afraid of being alone. I dont mean physically alone, I mean emotionally alone if that makes sense. Right now I feel more alone that I ever have before and I am so angry with myself for that because right now I have so many people that openly tell me that they care about me. I just feel so unappreciative of them when I feel this way but for some reason I just cant quite help it.
I feel like I am going to that place again and I know I just cant go back there. I only hope that I am strong enough to stop it and if im not that I will be able to ask for help when I have trouble getting out. I know for sure that this will confuse those who read this and that is because you have no idea what I am talking about. The truth is no one does. No one ever does. There are a very small handful who where there with me and stuck with me when I was trying to pull myself out. I love those people form the bottom of my heart and I know that I owe them my life. But the truth of it is that they are not around anymore, sure they are still my friends and I know that they still love me and would be there for me in a second, but they have their own lives now and it is not at all fair for me to interfere in that. I dont ever what to do that or become a burden on them. I just hope that I was able to learn from them and that I will be able to get through this on my own. It is really sad to me when I feel like the only person I can truly count on is my self especially when I know that there are people not too far away right now that would be there for me any time I asked. Why am I so selfish? Why cant I truly appreciate what I have? |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2005|10:37 am] |
I never knew I was kinky......
I guess I will be good at the sex thing.... if that ever happens
these things are so silly :) |
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| Me.... |
[Apr. 6th, 2005|10:10 am] |
pick a band and answer only using that band's lyrics
Good Charlotte
.01. are you male or female?:
She'll get what she wants
If she's willing to please
.02. describe yourself:
Hard days made me
Hard nights shaped me
I don't know they somehow saved me
And I know I'm making something out of this life they call nothing
I Take what I want
take what I need
you say it's wrong, but it's right for me
I won't look down
Won't say I'm sorry
I know that only God can judge me
.03. how do some people feel about you?:
Everythings gonna be alright now
Everythings gonna be alright
Get down stay up all night now
Let's do this one more time
Everything will be alright alright
Bring it in bring it in what? bring in..the verse..
.04. how do you feel about yourself?:
I'm realistic and narcissistic,
You say I'm selfish and absurd
You try to change me, you try to save me
You say I'm gonna learn, I'm so blind,
I'm out of time, You're so unkind sometimes,
I never lied, I never lied, I never lied
.05. describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
Wouldn't it be perfect if I could sit with you?
And we would change a thing or 2, we'd change a thing or 2,
We would change the way you think, we would change the way I think,
We would change the way they think but we're not changin' anything
.06. where would you rather be:
Lifestyles of the rich and the famous
They're always complainin'
Always complainin'...
If money is such a problem
Well they've got mansions
Think we should rob them
.07. lyric that describes you but you don't really know why:
I made this bed
I choose to lie in it
Live with my regrets
Sleep with what I said
Could this be the end
Am I standing on the edge
Of everything I wanted now
.08. describe how you live:
You come in cold,
You're covered in blood.
They're all so happy you've arrived.
The doctor cuts your cord.
He hands you to your mom.
She sets you free into this life.
.09. describe how you love:
So this is you
You're talking to me
You found a million ways to let me down
So I’m not hurt when you’re not around
I was blind
But now I see
This is how you feel
Just say it to me
If this was ever real
I want the truth from you
.10. share a few words of wisdom:
Do you really wanna be like them?
Do you really wanna be another trend?
Do you wanna be part of that crowd?
Cause I don't ever wanna
I don't ever wanna be
You
Don't wanna be just like you
What I'm sayin' is
This is the anthem
Throw all your hands up
You
Don't wanna be you |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2005|03:16 pm] |
Your Love Style is Agape |
You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner.
Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare.
You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie.
Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you.
For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love. |
Your dating personality profile:
Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.
Funny - You laugh often. People never accuse you of lacking a sense of humor. You don't take yourself too seriously.
Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. | Your date match profile:
Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.
Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life.
Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If her jokes make you laugh, she has won your heart. | Your Top Ten Traits
1. Big-Hearted
2. Funny
3. Liberal
4. Practical
5. Wealthy/Ambitious
6. Adventurous
7. Sensual
8. Stylish
9. Athletic
10. Romantic
| Your Top Ten Match Traits
1. Practical
2. Big-Hearted
3. Funny
4. Adventurous
5. Athletic
6. Traditional
7. Intellectual
8. Shy
9. Conservative
10. Romantic
|
Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions |
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| My thoughts... |
[Mar. 24th, 2005|05:22 pm] |
While I was driving in my car all alone I nad nothing to do but sit there and think about my live and all of the experiences I have had the past semester. This one question comes to mind, why is it when you finally figure out what you want it seems to be a million miles away? Thats all I got for now.....
Carrie |
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| Why I love my mother... |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|03:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giggly | ] |
Had a funny conversation with my mother. Thought this may help explain why I too am a little out there. Dont worry mom, I love ya. This is just too funny to keep to myself...
Mom: yes carrie...i am striving to be Atlanta's number 1 "dog lady" by the time i'm 65
Mom: i will be in the news papers and on tv!
Mom: i will lobby the nations capital to allow tax exceptions for dogs, considering them legal dependants
Me: you can use jessie's vet bils as your proof
Mom: We are considering naming the movement the National Org. for Dog Dependancy (NODD)
Me: see.... jessie is just trying to help your cause
Mom: yes! she's so smart...I've written to Harvard pleading her case that she should be given an honary degree
Me: oh my
Mom: for short bus dependant dogs
Mom: aka SBDD
Seriously.... everyone should have my mother, she is crazy! |
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| My thoughts... |
[Mar. 20th, 2005|12:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
Today… well yesterday technically was a very strange day for me. I went to visit my Uncle, Aunt, and cousins today because I was unable to do so earlier in the week and I wanted to see their new house. I always enjoy getting together with them because we always seem to have these very therapeutic conversations. We were talking a lot about school and what I am doing in the future and where I am going to live. None of this is really out of the ordinary especially given my current circumstances. I guess they day became strange because I began to feel incredibly selfish. I’m not quite sure why this feeling hit me all of a sudden, but I think it explains a lot of things that have occurred over the past week or so. Today, I realized how truly blessed I am. I realized just how much my family and friends truly care about me. I am not so sure why it hit me when it did, but I know that I have not been as appreciative as I should be. This is where the feelings on selfishness comes into play. Today I realized just how much people are willing to do for me, what they are willing to give me, and everything else that they offer me that I never noticed before. While sitting with my aunt and uncle, the offered to finish off a room in their basement so I would have a room to live in while I am student teaching. Not only have they offered this, but my grandfather has taken me in, and even my best friends’ boyfriend thought about me when they were out looking at houses. Just the fact that these people would even offer amazes me. They have all offered me so much and I have done nothing in return. For this I am selfish. To all of you that have been there for me, for all of you who have gone out of their way to help me out… I thank you. I apologize for letting all of these acts go by unappreciated. I am sorry for my selfishness. I hope that some day I will be able to repay you all. I hope that I can do what you have done for me.
Carrie |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 8th, 2005|01:07 am] |
|
One more thing.... can someone please explain to me how I can be literally in a room full of friends and still feel completely alone? |
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| Sad |
[Mar. 8th, 2005|12:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
So tonight I went out for Jess' birthday! It started out really fun, but sometime in the evening I started to become really sad. I'm not sure why, but I did. I really dont understand it. I am out with like 15 of my favorite people in Winona and I am sad. No one really did anything, nothing changed, I just all of a sudden got sad. Usually at a time like this I would just sit there and pretend like nothing is wrong. I am so sick of pretending!! I dont want to be sad, and I dont want to bring others down with my saddness, but damn it, if I am sad I have every right to show it! I dont know why I am ranting about that right now, so I will stop.
There are so many things I need to say. So many people I need to say things to. I am really sick of the drama and I just want to make it all better. I dont want to play games any more. I just want to know. Im not making any sense now, but I guess thats the way it is supposed to be. I wish things were just easier to say, but they arent. I guess I wil just say this. If you have something you need to say to me, or something you think I need to hear, please just tell me, and tell me in person. No more of this instant messenger shit! I just really need to hear the truth. I am really tired of all of the what if or I wonder thoughts flying around in my head. I just want to know.
I just want to make this clear. I have learned my lesson. None of this is meant towards any one person in particular. It is ment to anyone and everyone who happens to read this. Also, maybe you dont have something to say to me, but im sure you have something to say to someone else. Do yourself a favor, do that person a favor, just say it!!!
ok... im done.. I need to sleep |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 7th, 2005|06:18 pm] |
If you read this,
even if I don't speak to you often,
you must post a memory of me.
It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad,
just so long as it happened.
Then post this to your journal to see what people remember about you |
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| My thoughts |
[Mar. 7th, 2005|12:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
It has been a while since I have updated this. i'm not quite sure I even have anything worthwile to say. Life just seems so dull lately. Everything is the same. Well not exactly the same, but similar.
Oh there is one thing. Today is the day of truth. As of this moment I do not have a grade yet from Prof Helble for the class I took last semester. Since today is the beginning of midterm week, if the grade is not turned in today it will become a failing grade. I believe I have done what I can to try to remind Helble to take care of this but I really dont have any faith in her what so ever. So what now? What is going to happen with my plans? If I fail the class because she didnt turn in a grade means I will have to retake it. I am not aloud to take classes while I am student teaching so what do I do? Am I going to have to come back to Winona next year just for this one silly class that I have already taken? I guess if that is what happens then I will deal with it, but in my opinion that is bullshit. I know that I did not perform as well in that class as I could have. I know I have a lot of excuses for it, but in the end I know it falls on me. But at the same time I know that I do not deserve to fail. I guess I will have to figure it all out.
For now I am off to lunch and then class. I am sure I have more things to say, but I dont know what to write off the top of my head just now. Happy Monday!
Carrie |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2005|08:03 pm] |
Funny convo refering to Clint Eastwood at the Oscars:
Carrie: How old is he now anyway?
Barry: about 109
Carrie: haha... I was thinking about 190 myself!
Barry: Oh yay! Clint won. Now he can die happy.
Carrie: The man is already rich and famous. Unless he has never done two chicks at the same time, im pretty sure he was going to die happy anyway.
This amused me! |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2005|01:37 pm] |
I was updating my website today with some new pictures. I realized that I need to carry my camera around with me more often because I need some more pictures. I dont have ANY of some of my closest friends. Thats so wrong!!! IF you have any you think I should have send em on over!
Carrie |
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